One of the most important things we can do in a relationship is be the kind of person that someone needs in that moment. This is hard because we are drawn to being the person we are most comfortable being. This might feel authentic. But it’s not always helpful or loving.
In graduate school I went through a hard season that was spiritually lifeless and personally challenging (I later learned this was a medical condition caused by simultaneously taking Medieval Church History and Hebrew). Higher education mixed with emotional immaturity can be a toxic cocktail. I could be pretty cynical.
During this time, Andrea and I occasionally attended a bible class at a small, rural church. This teacher’s political and theological views put him somewhere between Pat Robertson and Ted Nugent. He would open class by declaring “God is good,” and that would be the last factual thing he would say for the next hour. I remember being so frustrated. I was miserable.
On the way home I would make sure Andrea knew how horrible the class was, just in case it wasn’t apparent to her.
One time she looked at me and said, “I can’t take it.”
I was like, “Yep, me neither.”
She said, “I mean you. I need more from you. This doesn’t help me.”
Yikes.
She was right. Regardless of whether or not I was justified, I was not the husband she needed at that moment. In my self-pity, I was oblivious to her spiritual and emotional needs. She needed a husband, not a theological ombudsman. I was not coming to the relationship as the person she needed in that moment.
This is one reason friendships and relationships struggle; people lack emotional timing.
We need someone to come and laugh with us. But when we are together, they vent.
We need a cheerleader; they come as a critic.
We come to chat; they come to argue.
We need hope. They bring despair.
We can’t change the way others come to us, but we can change how we approach them. How do we do this?
- Read the room. Enter the space and decide what energy it deserves. Observe nonverbal cues. Consider what’s appropriate and helpful.
- Get curious and ask questions. Does the conversation need a leader or a listener? Does this person need correction or just encouragement?
- Reflect on the last meeting. What was the last time like? Did our conversation get bumpy because of something that was said? Did it feel too intense or too gossipy?
- Decide on the purpose. What do I want to accomplish? Am I trying to persuade them of something? If not, then why do I argue? Do I want them to think I’m more prosperous than they are? If not, why do I one-up their stories? Sometimes friends let their friends be the genius and the hero.
- Focus on the relationship. What we have together is more important than anything we say. So we should be careful what we say. Friends need someone to show up for them, not to show them up.
Some friends play at friendship, but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin. -Proverbs 18:24
