Two things can be true at the same time.
Our world is becoming increasingly single. People used to get married at 22; now they wed at 28. Adults are twice as likely to be unmarried now than they were 50 years ago. The number of singles has doubled. Matrimony is becoming a minority.
Our world is also built for families. Most new homes have 3 or more bedrooms. Paper towels and toilet paper come in packages of 15 or 36. It’s hard to find pizza by the slice. Unmarried can still feel uncomfortable. It’s not easy being single. Unmarried people need a world like a Walgreens and they are forced to live in a Costco.
Or worse, a Chuck E. Cheese.
It must be strange for Christians who follow the example of Jesus and Paul to feel on the margins of their church. They see a hallway for children on the left and an annex for teenagers on the right. They might wonder why they feel so singled out for their singleness. When we misunderstand singleness we start distorting the gospel. If single people are viewed as incomplete or waiting, we give the impression that our most important vows are made at the altar and not in the baptistry (Gal 3:27-28). Paul says that singleness is a gift (1 Cor 7:7) and Jesus commends people who become eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom (Mt 19:12). There will ultimately be no marriage in the life to come (Mt 22:30). And that life begins with a massive wedding banquet (Rev 21:2). Whether married or single, people who are waiting for someone other than Jesus to complete them are destined for disappointment.
The earliest Christians valued singleness even when their neighbors insisted that a person’s only value was in marriage and family. The Roman government decreed that widows must remarry within one year of their husband’s death, lest they become a drain on the economy. The early Christians gathered money to support widows (1 Tim 5:9-16). They knew it was okay to say no to the knot. But church can be an awkward place for the unmarried. Surely they've noticed a pastor breathlessly sprint across the lobby to meet the visiting family of six. Or they saw the requirements for the minister position that required him or her to be married. Or they heard their beautiful worship center get endlessly criticized because it did not have a center aisle for weddings. Life in these communities can be isolating for people who follow a single Savior.
So how might churches be better places for people who are not married?
- Be inclusive. People who attend church alone aren’t looking for special attention. But welcoming them can mean a lot. This can be meals, holidays, group chats, or any other way that invites them into shared spaces. This is not just right, it’s wise. We may not be there right now, but many of us will be single one day.
- Mix it Up. Don’t feel like you always have to sit together as a family or do the exact same volunteer opportunities. Maybe even find a new place to sit each week. Don’t stick to just one friend group (which is usually people you have the most in common with). Small changes can make others feel more included.
- Seek First His Kingdom. Churches must teach a better theology of discipleship. Many churches give the impression that the most significant thing a person can do is to get married and have children. It’s unclear Jesus takes this view, since he once said, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple” (Lk. 14:26). Following Jesus is our most important calling. Prioritizing the kingdom, rather than just scheduling playdates for nuclear families, can be the first step in making sure singles don’t feel like they come last.
- Stop Playing Matchmaker. When we say “I can’t believe nobody has snatched you up” we treat people like a fuzzy toy in an arcade claw machine. If we really believe singleness can be a gift, we need to stop begging them to return it or regift it.
- Be a Church Family. The church is not simply a collection of families; it is a family. A shallow family will ask how the church can help them be a better family. A mature family will also ask how their family can make a better church. This will include inviting singles into their family life. It’s really incredible that a faith that was started by a single man and spread across the world by another single man can come across as so disinterested in the unmarried. That’s a real shame. But if we take seriously the call of Jesus to live a life defined by radical discipleship, we can participate in spaces where people of every life stage feel welcomed and significant. We can be a church for all people. Every single one.